Not liking my odds....

WARNING>THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! IF PUKE BUGS YOU<>

<---Pukey Mc Pukester

So, Friday night, I wake at 1 am to hear a cough. That cough, was shortly followed by the sounds of my four year old's stomach turning inside out. Lovely. Fresh sheets, Isle 4! Oh, i forgot to mention, he was sleeping with Kayleigh. She starts to stir as I am getting him out of the bed and cleaned up. I warn her, DO NOT ROLL OVER! Of course, she rolls over to find out why. DUH. Luckily, she misses the good stuff. BARELY!
I got the kid, bed, and trail of last nights dinner (across the carpet) cleaned up. Laundry running. I had kayleigh get in bed with me. Too tired to make her bed. I put drew on a towel covered couch with a bowl and went back to bed. Then my mommy guilt kicked in. I couldn't leave that sweet little puker out on the couch by himself. So, I gathered my kid, towels, and bowl and made him a lovely terry-cloth bed on the floor by my bathroom door. He fell asleep and woke up feeling fine. Hmm.....ok. Maybe it was a fluke?



Life goes on.....we're planning for company this weekend. Blake is flying home. Mom and Dad are coming up! There is going to be some massive Spade playing. We all know the women will soundly defeat the guys!(ok,so I am talking out my butt.....but we MIGHT win one game?)





My friend, Suzanna, was supposed to come over today and help me start staging the house. I had just emailed her about the time while I was watching TV. I decided I was ready for bed. I checked KK, drew, Sam, and was just turning off the living room lights when I hear......MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! Hmm....wonder what Jonathon wants. I turn the corner into the kitchen. Yell up: Jonathon, what do you need?
"He's PUUUUUUUUKKKINNNNGGGGGG in his bed! MOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"


GREAT......I has just gotten about caught up on all the laundry i have been neglecting.I had even gone up before bedtime and changed Bry's bed, and put his nice new comforter on his bed. I head upstairs to see how bad the damage is. OH MY HOLY FREAKING BUTTER BEAN! WHAT THE HECK DID THAT KID EAT??????????????? AND HOW MUCH??????? So...now we have Clean up on Isle 3!





Oh, and by the way, I HATE vomit? I'd clean poop 24/7 if I got to bypass the upchuck-wagon. Give me the craps for a week vs. one vomit. When the kids were little, I would RUN, kid you not! Blake used to get sooooooo mad at me! I just couldn't stand the sound, sight, smell, thought.....I've gotten to where I at least don't RUN>I stand and examine the scene. There is NO WAY to clean that. I mean really, it was like a vomit bomb went off. And Bryce is freaking out..and asking...How am I going to get out of bed without touching it???????


Ok, now that made this queasy mommy laugh! Honey, it is all over you from head to toe. Don't worry about touching it, You OWN it! So, we strip him naked in the bed, and Jonathon takes him down to put him in the tub. I get the LOVELY task of restoring the room to a safe zone.


Now, there are a few things I'd like to point out that help in cleaning these types of situations.
1. And this is my first and most favorite tip. GARBAGE BAGS ARE YOUR FRIEND> If it isnt a family heirloom or something brand new or special, really consider if you'll miss it if you just wad the whole vomit-soaked linen ball into a "GLAD"bag and say Adios! Unfortunately for me, the linens were BRAND NEW! Just bought them to go with his new bed. So no GLAD to the rescue. Guess I will go to tip number two....


2. It is helpful at this point if you are able to become Inspector Gadget and stretch your arms beyond imagination, as to avoid getting too up-close and personal with last nights dinner (and snack, and WHEN did we have CORN????)


3. Floral scented Lysol does NOTHING to mask the smell. Ok, so that isn't really a tip. More of a fact. Sprayed the stairway and room like crazy, then it just smelled like vomitty flowers.


4. It doesnt go away if you ignore it, so go ahead and get to cleaning. Oh, and now is not the time to realize that pukey mc pukester came and stole your drink last night. (yeah, the one you reclaimed....DUMMY!) Maybe I should take up drinking....then the kids couldn't have my drinks :) Think the Bishop will go for that one.....it is for my health right?


5. Always wash the stuff twice. ALWAYS. And because I am so grossed out by the puke, I still hold the clean linens like they are toxic waste from Chernobyl. (yeah, I'm a freak....but anyone who knows me, isn't surprised.)


6. Before putting the new fresh linens in the dryer, shake loose any "solid" matter that may still be hanging out. I typically wipe out the inside of the washer with a bleach rag, and pick up the souvenirs. (five kids gets you lots of practice at this, ya know). I know that is probably overkill since the two times they were washed were hot/bleach water, but again, one can never go too far.


7. WIPE out the laundry basket that carried the "fresh" bedding down. Nothing like putting on a new shirt and going...hmm smells like puke.


8. Now, this has nothing to do with the puke that just occurred, but it is a VERY helpful hint for the days ahead. GO, right now, and clean your kitchen. Vacuum what ever needs vacuuming. Make a clear path to all bathrooms. (don't bother cleaning the bathroom yet!). Look around and make sure any chores you have scheduled for the next few days are either now done, or can be put off until YOU are over the stomach flu. Then look at the clock and plan to worship the Porcelain shrine in approx 24-48 hours.





Ok, so I am a little dramatic, but ask anyone who resided within the walls of the home I grew up in, and they'll tell you I DO NOT LIKE PUKE. When someone would get sick, I would avoid getting close to them, but I'd have to ask the obvious....did you just throw up? Are you sick? Do you think it is the stomach flu or something else? Do you think you're going to throw up again? And if they looked even remotely green, I HAD to ask.....are you about to throw up? (I was seriously paranoid about getting the stomach flu) I still have flashbacks of being on the bottom bunk and seeing a wave of vomit shower down towards me. Oh, the good times......(body functions seem to be the post-de-jour this week, sorry). I was the family puker on vacations....back of the station wagon, riding backwards, and mountain roads DID NOT mesh well with my digestive tract. Panama City, I believe it was a Days Inn, was probably NEVER the same after I got sick there. Though mom took one for the team when we went to the Grand Canyon.....can anyone say "Kaopeptate????It's the Diarrhea Especialist!" We tortured my mother relentlessly quoting that stupid commercial. She took it much better than I would today. She was green as could be, and we couldn't stop! "We LOVE coming to America....HOTDOGS.>>CHILI>>>>Kaopeptate!" Nothing like love at home! (or in a pop-up camper, as luck would have it!) Who says campground toilets aren't fun?????


I can never stay on topic, though I would assume anyone who has made it this far, would prefer that I got off topic.....WHY???am I blogging about puke? Oh, yeah....my life....


So, after the mess was all cleared, and the bio-hazard team left......I got Bry out of the tub. He curled up in his towel on the couch butt naked (the thought did occur, I sure hope this is only a topside event....as he was passing gas). I made him a nice terry-cloth bed on the floor, complete with LARGE bowl. Put on some veggie tales, as he was WIDE awake. Jonathon decided to take the couch since his room smelled like the FTD Florist of Vomit. About 20minutes into Silly Songs with Larry, Drew bee-bops into the room. "Hi Guys! What you doing?" Takes a seat in the chair and curls up. I asked him if he knew it was still night-night, and he said, "Yup, but I want to watch Veggie tales." I didn't care. He doesn't go to school, and I knew he'd fall back asleep fairly quickly. About 20 minutes later, out walks Kayleigh. "WHy is everyone in the living room? Is it time to get ready for school?" At this point it is 1 am (is that like the magic hour?). i told her she could either go back to bed, or grab a pillow and some blankets and make a spot on the floor. I figured no one would be going to school with all the noise and being up. So the older 4 kids camped out in the living room, while poor Bryce wretched to Larry the Cucumber. Sing with me: Memories....light the corner of my mind.....stinky, putrid, puking memories......of the way we were......Scattered Remnants...of the meal we had last night...>Meals we had with one another.....Alright, I'll stop! :) just couldn't help it.


I put a third movie on for the kids, told them I was sorry, but I HAD to go to bed. Told them to turn of the TV when it was over. I turned out the lights and woke up at 6 am to Sam standing by my bed asking what he asks every morning "mom, where daddy?"


Bryce seems a-OK today, just like Drew did. Two down.....three to go (four if you count me!)


Off to do some more preemptive cleaning. Hope I still have some friends left....I really must be pretty weird to blog about puke!

Took a little break

Life has been so crazy...updating the blog has been the last thing on my mind! This weekend, it feels like I was finally able to get something productive done. Laundry was a big goal....always is! I guess with six people in the house, it is always going to be! Some days Sam still goes through two outfits! So we have lots of clean laundry, i got rid of a lot of junk, and some other things that needed attention were taken care of!(i got to sleep in!) woohoo!

I have some exciting news to share.....I may be getting a new couch. Ok...so it wasnt so exciting. Actually, it is quite frustrating. Let me have a Sophia moment (that is a Golden Girls reference, by the way) Pictureit ....Prattville...2008.....I have had Sam practically attached to me since the day the child was cut from my womb. Should've known he was going to be a problem from the start! Had to be different...anyway....In my usual manner of "oh-crap-i'm-late-ya'll-tend-to-the-baby-while-i-rush-like-the-cray-person-i-am", I was busy in the kitchen putting the final touches on the frozen meals for my quickly approaching meal group swap. We had decided to go to Mom and Dads last minute, and we got back in just enough time for me to throw the meals in a basket, and quickly print the instructions. As I am walking across the kitchen, passing by the junk drawer, which is open???, I close it and think, "Hmm, haven't seen Sam for a while?" Now, while I would normally go and investigate, I was just grateful that he wasnt underfoot, and I was able to scamper around the kitchen. (TRAGIC ERROR!!!!!!-hints to moms of 2 year olds....if you notice they arent RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE>>>>>>>GO FIND THEM! AND QUICKLY! )

Now, I know, he looks sweet and innocent enough, right????WRONG

That grin is hiding the secrets only he knows....

I put the last meal in the basket, and yell to the kids....grab your shoes and lets head out. I ask Jonathon to get Sam to the car. He disappears to the living room. I hear a sincere....oh my goodness sam. Curious, but not curious enough, I wait for Jonathon to come to the kitchen.

And he does..."Mom, you have GOT to come see this." Me, thinking Sam had emptied the wipes again, or spread the lincoln logs across the universe again, said "What is it?" Still hurrying about the kitchen, and getting my shoes on, finding my keys..... He said, "No really Mom, you HAVE to come see this. You wont believe it." Now THAT got my curiousity up......I have four boys, it takes a good bit for something to be unbelievable to me....I mean, come on....I have had to go retrieve my child from the mens bathroom at the BX after he POOPED in the URINAL! (go bryce!), another (my non-boy child) decided rocks belong in the nose and tried to give me a coronary when her nose starts GUSHING blood as I am driving on the freeway in UTah, then there was the time Bryce decided to shake his goods in the glass door infront of the neighborhood (Sorry Kristine, i know you still are traumatized.), we also have your standard pooping in the tub, outside the tent. We have A LOT of poop stories (and NO this is not one..>THANK GOODNESS!-though at least i could've cleaned it up). Once we were at the neighborhood park (in Missouri) and Bry had to poop BAD> I told him to run ahead, as I had to collect Drew and Sam from the baby swing, and well, fat ladies just don't run as a general rule. I had Jonathon follow him home to let him in and do paperwork if he finished his assignment before I arrived. So, i pull the stroller into the yard, and learn Bry couldn't make it in, so he dropped drawers RIGHT IN THE FRONT YARD! And POOPED. Ahhhhh.....high class! I HOPE no one saw! I was laughing so hard I couldn't be mad. Anyway, not sure how this got to be about poop......so it takes a lot to surprise me. (Seriously, I am sitting here watching Andrew fit into a popcorn bowl in the living room, he might have a future as a contortionist!)Back to the story....k....Jonathon wont even give me a clue as to what is up. I said, "well, just tell me if everyone is ok." He kind of thought for a second then said, "well, yeah, but you aren't going to be happy." Now remember, we are in hyper-mode. Supposed to be somewhere in 15minutes (and it is a 20 minute drive!). I go into the living room and stop dead in my tracks. Yup, I shocked. Hindsight is beating the crap out of me.....should've checked on Sam. Should've wondered why the junk drawer was opened, should've put things i don't want Sam to get further back in junk drawer. Ok....so Sam, in his infinite 2 year old wisdom, decided I REALLY needed some decoration on the wall behind the couch.

I have been going back and forth over what I want to do there. Well, he had JUST the plan. 1 black sharpie and a two year old with 5 minutes alone in the living room. Oh, but Picasso didn't just create a masterpiece on my beige, builder's flat, wall paint. No, he decided that our plain couch needed a little pattern. ON EVERY CUSHION. He got the seats, the backs, both arms and one side. I like my couch. It is only 16 months old. As I examine the couch, out of the corner of my eye, I see the doorway to the hall. The little turd (that would be Sam) colored on both sides, and on one wall in the hall. He also colored on one of my throw pillows.

Great. Lovely. Now, normally my reaction would be something along the lines of "$&(&%#()^*!*$($ or perhaps *$!!)#(%&^&$(!!+$, and if that weren't it I can guarantee you I would've said at least :what the *$#($)!. But,luckily for Sam, I didn't have time to be mad. Instead, I said, is that permanent marker? The kids said :yep. I said, well nothing we can do about it now. Let's go.

And out the door we went. Lucky kid didn't even get reprimanded, other than, Sam, that's bad. And he smiled, pointed to himself, and said, ME! In fact, any time he hears me talk about his art he smiles, points to himself and says ME!

If this ever happens to you: ACETONE nail polish remover will get it off the wall, but it will take some of the paint with it. So, be prepared to do a little touch up if you take off too much paint. The magic eraser only lightened the stain, and smeared it some. So save yourself some time and go for the polish remover. The couch will not budge. Nothing is getting it out. We bought a fabric warranty, so I am hoping they will cover it. If not, I guess I am getting a new couch!

So, lesson of the day....if your 2 year old isn't bugging you, find out why! Oh, and hide the permanent markers if we are coming over...Sam is quite the artist!